Surviving Your Quarantined Family

Okay, so you’ve been quarantined in your house with your family members for about two weeks. This is the most time you’ve ever actually spent with them because your family vacation is never longer than a week and you’re not confined to one location with them. Things are starting to get ugly. It’s every man for himself and a family member won’t hesitate to take that last Little Debbie snack cake without even blinking an eye and completely lie about it. Here are some survival skills that I’ve learned, so far.

Have a safe place. One that is hidden and preferably lockable. And the bathroom just isn’t going to cut it. If they will bang on the door during normal times, what’s to stop them now? Find your safe place when no one is looking and, most importantly, keep it secret, even from the one you swore “to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse…” This will be your little “piece of heaven” when the toddler flushes your computer headset down the toilet; the arguing over whose turn it is on Fortnite reaches maximum decibels; and your significant other has asked you for the millionth time if you think “we need more toilet paper.” My island of serenity is the backseat of my car. If I lie down, no one can see me and there’s plenty of room for me to stash my snacks, a few magazines and my iPad. The thing I found is that to reduce the chances of me being found, I close my bathroom door and turn on the shower. Then, they can bang away on the door, thinking I’m in there. (Although, they may be suspicious about the number of showers I’m taking every day now.) The trick is to get in and out of the hiding place unseen but it’s completely worth it to save your sanity. Another option is to pitch a tent in the backyard and just let them have the house. Evacuate to save your sanity! I personally like the Intense Two-Person Dome Tent because it has lots of room for the stuff that I was able to get out of the house with.

Make a feeding schedule. I’m talking about breakfast, morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, supper and evening snack. Literally, feed them every couple of hours. If their mouths are full, they can’t argue and if their bellies are full, just maybe they’ll nap more. (So, keep the snacks salty and less sugary.) I’ve been slipping turkey into the menu in all of its forms. Turkey sausage for breakfast, turkey sandwiches, turkey lasagna… I mean they say that turkey makes you feel sleepy and a family that naps together, doesn’t kill each other. We’ve even been having Thanksgiving every Thursday with the help of the Augason Farms Turkey Feast Pail, which also gives us a break in cooking at least one day a week. With a feeding schedule in place, you create an environment that centers around eating and, pretty soon, they will start showing up in the kitchen or at the dining room table docilely waiting to be fed. Okay, it may seem kind of like how you train your dog but if it works, it works. Of course, you may all have to go on a diet before it’s over with because, seriously, no one’s going to actually “eat healthy”. Carrot sticks just aren’t going to make the grade as a quarantine snack. You need real treats to lure them into your feeding schedule. Also, if you’re feeding them every couple of hours, it can cut down on the “stealing snacks” problem and you may not have to put those locks on the fridge and pantry.

Bribery. Yes, good old-fashioned bribery. And it doesn’t always have to be in the form of money either, especially, not in a quarantine situation. And…it works on everyone – kid or adult. The strategy here is to find out what everyone wants and then become the sole provider of it. The good ole American way. Capitalism at its finest! So, let’s go back to those Little Debbie snack cakes. My coworker said that, in her household, the Little Debbie Cosmic Brownie had become very, very valuable. (They must be incredible because I saw a Face Book post, from a friend, who was jokingly asking for a hook-up on them.) So, these snack cakes are the perfect bribery choice for my coworker. It can be anything, but snacks seem to be the most coveted items. Then, remember that safe place you’re going to secure. That’s where you can stash your bribery items and, if you want to diversify, you can find a couple of more back-up hiding places for your bribery stash. I’ve got a great hiding place in my In-Plain-Sight Shelf. Now, if you don’t want to worry about actual items, then, “store credit” toward something they want to buy online (gaming accessories, make-up, new chainsaw) works, too. Even, in negotiations with your significant other. Simple bribery. An oldie but goodie!

Yes, being quarantined with your family can be challenging but at least you’re together. For me, the alternative would be the absolute worst. Remember, you may not like each other, at times, but you still love each other.